How Do I Care for Myself When My Child Needs So Much?

By Abigail Ajodha, Registered Psychotherapist
Women’s Therapy Centre | Virtual therapy across Ontario and most provinces in Canada

“Take care of yourself.”

It’s one of the most common pieces of advice given to mothers.

And often, it’s one of the least helpful.

Because most moms don’t need more ideas of what to do. They need more space, more support, and less to carry.

When you’re responsible for managing schedules, emotions, logistics, and the needs of others — self-care can start to feel like one more thing on the list.

And if you’re parenting a child who needs more — emotionally, developmentally, or neurologically — that load can grow even heavier.

Not because you’re doing something wrong. Because you’re holding more than most people can see.

When Your Child Needs More, You Hold More

You're not imagining it. Research confirms that parents of neurodivergent children experience significantly higher levels of stress — and often struggle to access the support they need. This isn't just about one factor — it's the layered impact of child behaviours like hyperactivity and sleep difficulties, combined with parental stress, strained relationships, and limited external resources.

For mothers of neurodivergent children, the load often increases in ways that aren’t always visible.

This can include:

• advocating in systems that don’t fully understand your child
• managing emotional regulation for both your child and yourself
• anticipating triggers, transitions, and needs
• holding concern about how your child is being perceived or supported

This doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means your system is carrying more and rarely sets anything down. 

How Can I Start Caring for Myself?

Here are five small, doable ways to care for yourself alongside caring for your child. These aren’t about fixing anything. They’re about softening the edges of survival so you can feel a little more like yourself again.

Self-care doesn’t need to be elaborate. Think 10-minute moments that are yours and yours alone. Step outside and feel the air on your face. Drink your coffee hot, without doing something else at the same time. Light a candle and breathe for five deep inhales. These acts don’t fix everything, but they do interrupt the cycle of depletion.

Why it helps: These small moments of nourishment are reminders — to your body and your heart — that you matter too.

Use a Family Organizer App Like Cozi Or a Wall Calendar to Lighten the Mental Load

Being the household’s memory bank is exhausting. A shared digital tool like Cozi lets other family members take ownership of the schedule, meals, and appointments. Not into screens? A visible wall calendar works too — just something that gets the to-do list out of your head and into shared space.

Why it helps: When the plan lives somewhere other than your mind, you create room for rest, clarity, or just a moment of stillness.

Try a 2-Minute Sensory Reset — With or Without Your Kids

Overstimulation is a constant when you’re parenting a neurodivergent child. But regulation can happen in small, quiet ways — even together. Try:

• Splashing cold water on your face
• Holding an ice cube
• Doing “box breathing” (in 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4)
• Smelling something grounding like lavender or peppermint
• Doing the “5-4-3-2-1” sensory awareness exercise

Why it helps: These micro-practices soothe your nervous system — and they’re easy to teach or do alongside your child.

Connect with Other Parents Who Get It — So You Don’t Feel So Alone

There’s power in knowing someone else is navigating the same messy, beautiful terrain. Wunder by Understood is an app for parents of neurodivergent kiddos where they can chat about different topics, connect with experts and much more. You can also build your own circle — even if it’s just a group chat with two trusted friends.

Why it helps: Feeling seen changes everything. You’re no longer the only one trying to figure it all out.

Simplify Mealtimes — and Say Goodbye to Decision Fatigue

Planning meals when sensory sensitivities or food restrictions are involved can feel impossible. Plan to Eat helps you store and organize meals that work, and it creates a grocery list automatically. Or keep it super simple: choose five go-to meals and rotate through them by leaving a note on the fridge to remind you of your easy options. No shame, no rules.

Why it helps: Reducing food-related decision-making frees up energy for what really matters — and that includes you.

Supporting yourself Benefits Your children, Too. 

Supporting your child doesn’t have to mean abandoning yourself. You deserve care too — not after everything is done, but while life is still in motion.  And a cared for Mom, has more to give to those around her. 

You’re not failing at self-care.

You’re navigating a level of responsibility that often goes unseen.

And your needs matter too.

You don’t have to keep figuring this out on your own.

You can start with a free virtual consultation — a space to feel understood, not judged.

If you’re looking for someone who deeply understands both the clinical and lived experience of parenting a neurodivergent child, you might find resonance with Abigail, one of our therapist's at Women’s Therapy Centre. She’s not only a trained professional with a post-grad certificate in supporting neurodivergent adolescents — she’s also a mom who’s walked this path herself.

There’s a place here for your story, too — messy, complex, and full of love. And you don’t have to carry it all alone.

About The Author

Abigail Ajodha is a Registered Psychotherapist at Women’s Therapy Centre who supports mothers navigating burnout, invisible load, and the emotional demands of caregiving. As both a clinician and a mother of a neurodivergent child, she brings a grounded, real-world understanding to the complexity of modern motherhood. She provides virtual therapy across Ontario and most Canadian provinces. 

Frequently Asked Questions

Why doesn’t self-care seem to work for me as a mom?

Self-care often doesn’t work because it’s added on top of an already overwhelming load. When your nervous system is under constant demand, what’s needed isn’t more to do — it’s less to carry. Exploring what your life looks like and what your nervous system is being asked to manage is a great starting point to personalizing your "self-care" plan. 

What is the invisible load in motherhood?

The invisible load refers to the ongoing mental and emotional work of managing a household, anticipating needs, and coordinating responsibilities, much of which goes unseen and unsupported. It is the thousands of decisions a day that most women are making without any support or recognition of the weight these decisions come with. 

How can I take care of myself when I have no time?

For many mothers, self-care isn’t about finding more time. It’s about creating small moments of support within your day and gently reducing what you’re holding where possible. It can also involve noticing how your body is responding to ongoing demands, and exploring whether adjusting expectations might help your system feel less on edge.

Why do I feel guilty when I try to rest?

Many mothers have internalized expectations around being responsible for others. There may be a part of you that feels like resting means you’re letting something  or someone down.

When to seek immediate support: If anxiety, trauma symptoms, or emotional distress are contributing to thoughts of self-harm, seek immediate support. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 for free, confidential crisis support. In emergencies, call 911. This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace medical or psychological care.