Why Therapy Might Not Feel Like It’s Working

(And What Most People Don’t Realize About Change)

By Sheena McRae Registered Psychotherapist
Women’s Therapy Centre
Virtual therapy across Canada

So You Tried Therapy… And Then You Left

You booked the appointment.
You showed up.
You said the things (or at least… some of them).

And then a few sessions in, you had a thought like:

“I don’t think this is doing anything.”

Or maybe:

“This feels uncomfortable… like, more uncomfortable than I signed up for.”

So you stopped going.

And quietly, maybe even a little protectively, you decided:

“Therapy just isn’t for me.”

At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes therapy doesn’t feel right because the fit isn’t right — and that matters too. If you’ve ever wondered about that, you can explore how to tell if your therapist is the right fit.

And sometimes?

It’s not about fit.

It’s about something else that most people are never taught — something therapists spend a lot of time learning behind the scenes: how your readiness for change shapes what therapy feels like.

The Part About Therapy No One Really Explains

Therapy isn’t just about what you talk about.

It’s also about where you are in your readiness for change. 

There’s a psychological model called the Stages of Change, and once you see it — you can’t unsee it.

It explains why:

• some people feel immediate relief in therapy
• some feel stuck or resistant
• and some leave right before things were about to shift

Not because therapy doesn’t work…
but because change has stages and they don't all feel good. 

The Stages of Change (a.k.a. “Oh… this makes sense now”)

Precontemplation

“I mean… I’m here, but I don’t think I’m the problem.”

This stage is very human.

You might:

• not fully see what needs to change
• feel unsure why you’re even in therapy
• feel a little defensive (or a lot defensive — no judgment)

Sometimes people come because:

• their partner suggested it
• something happened
• or life just feels off… but they can’t quite name why

And underneath all of that?

There’s often a part of you that feels hesitant about change — because change can feel unpredictable, and for that part, unpredictable means unsafe. So maybe you show up for a month or two and then decide, "this therapy thing is not for me". 

Contemplation

“Okay… something isn’t working… but now what?”

This is where things start to get uncomfortable.

You might notice:

• patterns you can’t ignore anymore
• feelings you’ve been avoiding
• a growing awareness that something needs to shift

And also?

A strong pull to stay exactly the same.

This stage often feels like being stuck between:
wanting change and being terrified of it

Fun, right?

Here, you might notice two parts showing up at once — one that’s starting to see things more clearly, and another that feels overwhelmed by what change might actually require.

Preparation

“I think I’m ready… maybe… don’t quote me on that.”

Here’s where something softens.

You might:

• start opening up more in sessions
• feel curious instead of just defensive
• begin connecting dots

You’re not all-in yet…
but you’re not shutting it down either.

This is a big deal.

At this stage, there’s often a part of you that is cautiously leaning in — while another part is still scanning for risk, trying to make sure it’s safe to move forward.

Action

“Okay… I’m actually doing things differently.”

This is the stage people think therapy should feel like from day one.

But it usually doesn’t start here.

This is where you might:

• set a boundary (and then replay it 47 times later 😅)
• communicate more honestly
• try new ways of responding
• face things you’ve been avoiding

It’s powerful and also vulnerable as it gets.

Because even here, there’s often a part of you that’s ready for change — and another part that feels exposed, unsure, or afraid of getting it wrong.

Maintenance

“This is becoming part of how I live now.”

This is where change starts to feel more natural.

You’re:

• reinforcing new patterns
• navigating setbacks without spiraling
• trusting yourself a little more

It’s less about “trying” and more about being.

And even here, parts still show up — not to stop you, but to remind you of old ways of coping, asking for reassurance as you continue building something new.

Recurrence

“Wait… why does this feel like it’s happening again?”

This is the part no one talks about enough.

You’ve done the work.
You’ve made changes.
Things felt different.

And then something happens… and suddenly you feel like you’re right back where you started.

Old patterns show up.
Old reactions return.
Old thoughts get louder.

And it can feel defeating.

But recurrence isn’t failure.

It’s your nervous system returning to what it knows when something feels overwhelming, uncertain or unsafe. 

From a parts perspective, this often means, a protective part has stepped back in. Not because you’ve lost progress
 but because it believes you need support in that moment. 

The work here isn’t to shame that part or push it away.

It’s to understand:

• what triggered it
• what it’s trying to protect
• and what support is needed now

Because healing isn’t linear. It’s responsive.

And sometimes, revisiting old patterns is actually part of integrating new ones.

Why So Many People Leave Therapy Early

Most people don’t leave therapy in the action stage.

They leave during precontemplation and contemplation. 

Because those stages feel like:

• confusion
• resistance
• discomfort
• “this isn’t working”

But what’s actually happening is: something is starting to shift — it just doesn’t feel good yet. 

And no one told you about this process and how the progress doesn't always feel like "aha's!" and weights being lifted. 

Therapy Doesn’t Always Feel Good (At First)

We’ve been sold this idea that therapy should feel:

• relieving
• validating
• clear

And sometimes it does. But sometimes?

It feels like:

• sitting in things you’ve been avoiding
• questioning patterns you’ve relied on
• noticing dynamics you can’t unsee anymore

That doesn’t mean it’s not working. It often means its working at a deeper level than expected but decades of relational patterns takes time to unravel and hard work. 

What If Therapy Didn’t Fail You?

What if…It didn’t fail? What if you just met it at a stage where things were still forming?

Because therapy isn’t about forcing change.

It’s about:

• understanding where you are
• supporting your nervous system
• and moving at a pace your system can actually tolerate

You Don’t Have to Be “Ready” for Therapy

This might be the most important part. You don’t have to be fully ready to start therapy.

You can:

• be unsure
• be hesitant
• not even know what you want to work on yet

That’s allowed. In fact, that’s often where the most meaningful work begins — learning how to connect with yourself and understand what you need is both the goal and the path that gets you there.

Finding the Right Support Matters

At Women’s Therapy Centre, we support clients across all stages of change — not just when they feel “ready.”

Therapists like Sheena and the team (Ashley, Erin, Abigail, and Jena) help you understand not just what you’re going through, but where you are in the process.

And that alone can change how therapy feels. If you’ve tried therapy before and stepped away — or you’re not sure if it’s right for you — you’re not alone.

You can explore a free virtual consultation to see if this feels like the right time.

About the Author

Sheena McRae is a Registered Psychotherapist and EMDR therapist at Women’s Therapy Centre who specializes in trauma recovery, narcissistic abuse, and nervous system healing. She works with women navigating anxiety, emotional numbness, and relational trauma. She provides virtual psychotherapy services across Ontario and most provinces in Canada.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the stages of change in therapy?

The stages of change include precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance and recurrence. They describe how people move through readiness for change over time.

Why does therapy sometimes feel like it isn’t working?

Therapy may feel uncomfortable or unclear in early stages of change, especially before new patterns begin to take shape.

Is it normal to leave therapy early? 

Yes. Many people leave therapy before reaching the action stage, often because early stages can feel confusing or emotionally challenging.

How do I know if I’m ready for therapy?

You don’t need to feel fully ready. Therapy can support you at any stage, including when you’re unsure or just beginning to explore change. All the stages are welcome and worthwhile. 

When to seek immediate support: If anxiety, trauma symptoms, or emotional distress are contributing to thoughts of self-harm, seek immediate support. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 for free, confidential crisis support. In emergencies, call 911. This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace medical or psychological care.